The Ministry of Defence this morning revealed details of a terrifying encounter between one of the Royal Navy's submarines and what appeards to be a huge, amorous sea monster. It appears that the fleet submarine HMS Furricup was returning from a routine exercise in Nepalese waters when the incident occurred.

At around 0230 GMT the crew were shaken, some off duty personnel being literally thrown from their bunks, by an apparent side on collision with a previously undetected underwater object. Those on board reportedly heard a faint but distinct shout of "Awright darlin'" before feeling something collide with the submarine on its starboard side. Following standard procedure the submarine quickly surfaced to assess the damage to the vessel. It was at around 0245, while crew members on deck and divers in the water were inspecting the hull that the second incident took place. Witnesses on deck reported detecting the aroma of Stella Artois and donner meat in the seconds before the huge unidentified creature, estimated at over 70 metres long, broached the surface just yards from the port side of the vessel and almost immediately gained a firm hold on the nuclear powered hunter-killer submarine. At least 30 sailors who were outside the vessel at the time of the attack leaped for the relative safety of the open water while those inside could only grab the nearest immovable object in an attempt to survive the onslaught. The creature was reported to have attempted to climb on top of the submarine in order to thrust a hanging appendage into the rear escape hatch which had been opened earlier. Despite several attempts the creature was unable to penetrate the hull and simply rolled off the submarine and appeared to vomit into the water before disappearing back into the murky depths. The whole incident lasted just 12 seconds.

By Hattori Heffner